Mistress tells a bad joke

interview with Dave, January 2006

Please give us a short introduction of yourself?
Mistress. 5 cunts from Birmingham, England who make a Fucking Loud Noise.

So who is your mistress? The one of how many?
None of your fucking business.

What are the musical boundaries for the band?
There aren’t any, we’ll do whatever the hell we like. That will most likely continue to be making a Fucking Loud Noise, but why set boundaries?

How neurotic and perverted does a bandmember has to be? Could anybody join?
The perversion and neuroses usually come into play after they’ve joined.
For example Drunk, our guitarist. He was a perfectly nice lad before he joined Mistress. He’s now about 4 stone heavier, bloated and fat. He stinks, swears all the time and eats and drinks as if his body is a dustbin. We’re very proud of what we have achieved.

What is the highest goal for the band? When do you stop?
When everybody’s dead. You?

What kind of stuff do you abuse to make new lyrics and songs? Easy to get them?
Normally books and alcohol, so pretty easy to get hold of, but not necessarily easy to take. And of course our broken sound making pieces of crap. Laney were kind enough to let us use some of their amps, but really we should be sponsored by Shit Guitars Inc. Sorry to include books in an interview that’s obviously about more intelligent subjects, but the last book I read was ‘And The Ass Saw The Angel’ by Nick Cave and it’s full of the most fucking horrible things you can think of (well, nearly). So It’s perfect.

Did you released all those discs to obtain your dream car? For what car are you working?
I did get a new car not long ago actually, a 1997 BMW 323i coupe, and yes, I’d wanted one for a long long time. It’s cosmos black with saffron leather and it’s fucking brilliant. Unfortunately it was a bank loan that paid for it, and some cunt decided to drive into it a couple of weeks later. So we’re going to have to sell a lot more records before I can afford the repairs, yet alone a new car.

Ever thought of pimping your car by MTV?
No way, they’d cover it in shit bright colours. Cars should look mean, not like some kind of fucking novelty lollipop. And in Birmingham, all those television screens would get stolen within about 5 minutes.

Earache is your label but what are they doing to get rid of you?
At the moment they’re feeding us the scraps from Beecher’s table.
It wouldn’t be too bad, but those guys were vegetarians so it tastes like shit and doesn’t involve enough kebabs. They were even nice enough to say we could take a CD or two from their stock room, so we stole copies of virtually everything. Then we sold them to buy copies of Voluptuous magazine and sausage rolls at a service station.

With all world disasters it is a hype to do a benefit. For what benefit comes Mistress out of bed?
Why the hell would anyone want us to play a benefit show? More like a detriment show. For the benefit of breweries everywhere perhaps. Mistress shows (or even Mistress getting out of bed) don’t generally benefit anyone at all.

And which pornstar gets you in bed?
Hmm, it depends on the mood. Anything from Jenna Jameson to Daisy the cow. Although Daisy the cow is mostly for Drunk.

Speaking about porn. When are you doing the soundtrack of that gangbang movie?
They wouldn’t let us in the end. We insisted on playing the music live on set so we could put the boot in, but they said the sight of all the nose candy would put the actors back into rehab. We’re hoping to work with the production team on the soundtrack to the real life gonzo remake of House Of A Thousand Corpses.

Humor is important in daily stress life. Do you think the pope tells dirty jokes?
I’d guess he’d be too busy. Have you ever seen one of those porn scenes where there’s a girl lying on her back with a guy fucking her, and then he moves up so he can cum on her face, but while he’s doing that you see her head start jerking up and down because another guy has started fucking her behind him while he’s doing it – and then it turns out there’s a big line of guys all taking their turn fucking her while the previous guy is cumming on her face and then moving up like a conveyor belt? I imagine he’s too busy doing that.

Can you tell us a dirty joke?
Yeah, but it won’t be any good. Hmm...
What do you get when you saw a baby in half?
An erection.

What will Mistress be doing in 2006?
UK tour with Municipal Waste in February, then we’re working on a new album at the moment, so we’ll record it when we get back from the tour. At the moment the working title is ‘Glory Bitches Of Doghead’, but that could change. And then more touring, hopefully getting to play some places overseas. Can you get cider in Holland?

And why will it be better than all previous achievements?
Because it will.

Last rites?
Remember, no matter how bad you feel, there is probably something waiting around the corner that will make you feel worse. Hugs and kisses, Mistress.